You know what's the worst? When you strategically place a condom in a convenient location, don't end up needing it, forget you put it there, and then remember 3 hours later after your mom has been in the general area of said condom for at least 2 of those hours.
AHHHHH!!!!
Luckily I was safe, she did not move the Kleenex box and discover my hiding spot. You'd think I'd learn, but really, I don't. I prefer the shock-horror of the moment, apparently. This has happened to me approximately 12 million times. I flatter myself. I only WISH it happened 12 million times cause that would mean I would have had a lot of sex. Actually, it would mean I almost needed a condom 12 million times, but never got around to it. Hmmm. Need to rethink that wish.
Speaking of "wishing", I have a bone to pick with the term "wishing". You can "wish" to have sex 12 million times. You can "wish" you were taller. You can "wish" to wake up with better hair and straighter teeth but you cannot "wish" like my cousin "wishes".
Darling, I'm about to expose you. My fabulously awesome cousin "wishes" for things for Christmas. It's normal when you're 8 to make out a "wish list" from the Sears "wish book" (which is something else entirely that I don't want to talk about yet).
The thing that puzzles me the most about all of this wishing is her phrasing. She says "I'm going to wish for that for Christmas". Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you really "wished" for things from Santa, and we know that Santa = Parents, so now we "ask" for things for Christmas. It also suggests to me that she sits there, thinking REALLY had about what she wants, "wishing" that it will appear come December 25th. It suggests that she will keep it to herself and hope that it shows up. Since you're not supposed to tell anyone your wishes, and Santa was just supposed to know what you wanted, it seems counter-productive to wish for something for Christmas when, if you ASK your parents for it, you're more likely to get it.
But this is all just semantics. I know what she means, she asks her parents for it, but always describes it as "wishing" for Item X; In my head I see her sitting alone in her room, eyes scrunched up tight with a thought bubble of the thing she wants, drawn in a cartoon. In my head, she's wishing really really hard.
I love you.
Maybe I should apply her theory to my situation. I will wish for sex 12 million times. Does that mean I have to ask for it? Cause that's just desperate isn't it?
My other cousin, (Wishing Cousin's Sister) came over to my house yesterday and I was drunk.
You see, originally I went to a tailgate party for a football game but ended up being thrown up on, going home early and opening the door to my mother who said: "You smell like booze" and "Is that vomit on your pants?" It was really a pretty funny experience. When my cousin came over, I was in a great mood! I had drank enough in the morning so that I would have been drunk for the entire game. The only problem was, I was at home, alone, with my mom all day. We watched TV and ate pizza and I tried to keep my drunk thoughts to myself. When I relayed the story of my up-chuck experience (it was not my vomit, but my best friends, so it didn't really bother me, somehow?) she said to me: "You know, Jessie, I think only you can make a story about being thrown up on and missing a football game into a hilarious story, and still be bouncing happily around your house." And it's true. Only I could do that, because I have to WORK at being in a bad mood. I have to WANT to be angry to really be grouchy.
Naturally happy people are pretty weird. I have a weird part of me that tends to really take over my whole self sometimes. I wonder how people get along with me on a day-to-day basis; especially when I get to work at 6 AM and am really happy. I'm not a morning person, I'm an everytime person. If I wake up in a bad mood, normally I can have it beat by noon, or earlier. Though, I went through a pretty bad couple months where I was in a consta-bad mood. Even choosing to be happy didn't help, and just came out forced. I would sink into happiness, but then remember that I was in a bad mood and then turn that smile upside down. I think I'm almost over it, though it still drives me INSANE when my mom drives to the lights in the morning instead of the stop sign. It's 6am. No one is on the road!!! YOU DON'T NEED THE LIGHT!!!!
I'm irrational sometimes, but what can you do?
I gotta go get that condom out of there before I have some explaining to do.
